What I Want

Well...
I want to be happy... cliche, I want to not have to struggle for anything, I want to have my girlfriend whom I love by my side. Those are the things that come to my mind when first asked what I want. It's so rarely asked that I never really think about it. I supposed it's something that should be on the foreground of my thoughts but the truth is I get so wrapped up in others and other things that I forget about myself. As far as career goes, I think I want to be psychologist. Then again I've changed that so many times. I just don't want to get stuck.
As far as for me as a person, I want to not be as angry, I want to not be so "go go go" all of the time. I want to mellow out more. How do I do this, is it even possible? Can one change themselves simply out of will? I don't know if it can be done or by me for that matter because I've put conscious effort into changing things and they still haven't changed. I can think all day, "hey mellow out some," but when it comes to the times that matter my head isn't thinking about that. It's selfishly having some stupid emotion opposite of what I want. This is a problem that has the potential to to make me lose someone so dear to me I would feel like a widowed love bird. That would truly be a horrible thing, not only because it would be almost the end of the world for me but it's slowly hurting her inside. Slowly pushing her away and making her more detached all the while. Is it enough, when do I say I'm never going to get better and ask her to move on for her own good? Or does love trump that, that's what I want to believe, that despite my small problems I'll get over that and It'll be ok because she understands it's a work in progress. I don't know but I need to figure it out soon, whether it's chemical or not because the truth is that it is hurting her and it is pushing her away. I am going to attempt to see a psychiatrist and possibly counteract the neuron misfirings in my brain causing my anger to be amplified. I hope all of this works. For my own good...

Goals and Wishes...

Since I was young I thought to myself, I was going to go sky diving to conquer my fear of heights. Well I'm 21 now and I still have yet to do that. There's a ton of things in my life that I've wanted to do but haven't but I still have so long to go on this journey of life. I feel like no one understands me because I do not yet understand myself. I don't yet have a path in life because I'm too afraid to pick something I love. I'm afraid of being stuck somewhere. Kids my age already are down their career paths but that's not for me. I always felt stressed by society and its pressures to get into the carrier field and succeed. It's all about money money money, but where is the happiness? Must we really sacrifice everything for a comfortable life. I have traveled a bit and I loved that, but to do that again we must be stable with money and everything costs way too much.
I have a couple ideas of what I want to do, I'd like run a restaurant or I'd like to be in TV, or production of some type. I have an amazing singing voice yet I don't want to be stuck singing my whole life. I am in love with this girl who has such a passion, she's loved marine biology her whole life so she's perusing that as a career despite financial caps. I feel like I should be living up to that, but on the same hand I shouldn't be rushed. I'm in school and taking it slow but I think if I slowly work toward the degree in all arts then it can be put to good use however I see fit. Go back to refine the degree later I say, but will I ever.... Who knows. No pressure, life is short I must enjoy it. I'm going to keep living my life hoping that what I want and what I will become will drop into my lap because I've always felt that it will once I experience more. Til then I'll follow in my girlfriends footsteps and use the devotion I have to finish school to get through the mundane stuff. Thanks my inspiration, you know who you are. I love you.

So the next portion of my life is going to start on the 25th, my wonderful girlfriend is moving in with me. It's been two years and she's been wonderful. Yeah we have our problems, but who doesn't! Short of that we're perfect and best of all she's perfect. This will be our ultimate test. She is very shy and timid and as a result never had many friends. I can get jealous sometimes but I think this will solve a lot of our problems. This will be the start of a new chapter in the story of our lives. I think this will be the defining moment in my life where I can step up and be the man she wants me to be. I know it's in me it's just scared to take responsibility, scared to love, and scared to be close to someone. She has shown me so much and I've grown so much for the better with her. I love her and want to marry her soon, she's wanting wait naturally. That's fine. I'll wait forever for her. I love being in love it's the most amazing experience in the world and I do not believe that it is too rare, but it is not common enough. To the world I say " Fall in Love, you'll be happy for the rest of your life."

- Coffee Blogger